What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 11:22
It was going to be , some day.
All the time i was locked up.
So whats the point in blame.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im still living with it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She wouldn,t have been !
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I could never make a relationship work though!
We were not on the streets..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Has the current political environment caused Canadians to cancel trips to the United States?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What are some of your shocking stories?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why do Democrats never produce a good argument for why Trump was a bad president?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She loved him until the end.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Why is there so much evil in the world?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And i lived it daily.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Would this be the day?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I have no regrets .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
(And it was in our own minds.)
When she asked me how she looked .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So, i spoilt her more .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One cannot live in the past .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was 9 years of age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But, we were locked up after school.
He knew the spot.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was scared of men, in general
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I write beautiful poetry .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Who then, do I blame.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She found it foreign!.
This is soul school!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My life is so biszare .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I couldn’t, believe it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What did i know ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My family never makes their pension either.
Comes on , in middle age.
She married twice! .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was very sick at this time too.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it wasn’t much.
She was in good health!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I said to her
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I think the readers, may guess!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ive learnt so much.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
We all went to grammer schools
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I don,t even have a pension.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I waited trembling.
I will be 64.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .